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Albert Einstein: Relativitively Speaking

by John Hinton & Jo Eagle

/
1.
Ja, you’d better come prepared This is MC Squared Here to tell you about a preposterous fact That’s gonna make you scared Ich bin the crazy-haired rapper who has dared to declare That the E is the M to the C to the square. This is energy-mass equivalence – There’s no ambivalence – It’s an inevitable inference once you’ve cancelled out the dividends. I’ll set the world aflame with my outrageous claim: Energy and mass are one and the same. I’m gonna give reality a brand new face, Gonna communicate my case, gonna prove it to be true. I’m gonna lay before you a theory of space… Und it’s about time too. Now when I say ‘E’, y’all give me east-side Copy me, that’s these three fingers held wide. Now ‘E’ stands for ‘energy’, commit this to your memory. Your left hand gives an equals sign, exactly as it’s meant to be. When I say ‘M’, keep your fingers as before But let your wrist flop, flip the tips to the floor. Now ‘M’ stands for ‘mass’, be it solid, liquid, gas. Yo, break down, and let me see you give it hardcore. (That was a cue for you all to do some break-dancing, ja? Nein? Oh well.) Now when I say ‘C’, y’all gimme this sign. ‘C’s the constant speed of light, over two nine nine Million metres every second, so the scientists have reckoned. Let’s rewind to recap how those letters combine. E equals M to the C ja. Gimme E equals M to the C, everybody now: E equals M to the C ja. Gimme E equals M to the C. Okay! One more symbol, it’s incredibly simple, Stick two fingers up, like peace to the people, Hold it high up in the sky, make it superscripted. Why? ‘Cos it’s itself that the speed of light is multiplied by. E equals M to the C squared, Gimme E equals M C squared, everybody now, E equals M to the C squared. Gimme E equals M C squared. For Schnitzel my nitzel. But so what if the E is M C to the peace? What species of beast is this algebraic centrepiece? What knowledge does it increase? What truths does it release? What’s the significance of equivalence? These questions I’ll appease. Matter…is frozen…energy. I’ll say that again: Matter…is frozen…energy. Just think about it, cos if Matter…is frozen…energy, then even the tiniest morsel of Matter’s potentially the biggest energy source that our century’s yet to see. For example, even the tiniest grain of sand, Tiny enough to get lost in your hand, Has enough frozen energy locked in its core To boil two billion kettles or more. I’m gonna give reality a brand new face, Gonna communicate my case, gonna prove it to be true, I’m gonna lay before you a theory of space… And it’s about time too. Okay one final chorus! E equals M to the C squared Gimme E equals M C squared, everybody now E equals M to the C squared Gimme E equals M C squared, fo’ schnitzel! E equals M to the C squared Gimme E equals M C squared, one final time E equals M to the C squared Gimme E… equals M… C… squared, yeah!
2.
Not The USA 02:32
It is highly pleasurable, I have to say, To be offered the fine distinction (piano accompaniment joins in) Of such a warm reception to the USA And a professorship and Princeton University How can you be so good to me? It’s really disturbing I’m quite undeserving Of such a generous salary. I know there’s some of you out there who thought you’d never convince me to take up this position. People said I should not come They said this part of the world was glum They said “Choose Paris or London But not the USA!” Hey! They said that I should steer well clear They said there is no science here My joie de vivre would disappear And I’d grow old and grey. But I said, “It’s an offer I cannot pass! I won’t have to teach a single class! And the pay will easily surpass My dreams – I’ve got to take it! To turn that down would be really dumb, Plus this way my distance from Those horrid fascist Nazi scum Is as far as I can make it. Still people said “No, don’t go there! It would be more than you can bear. Choose Asia, Australasia, anywhere But not the USA! Hey! Take heed!” my trusted peer group hollars, “You don’t need their wads of stinky dollars, They don’t deserve such high-class scholars They’ll drive you to dismay.” God knows there are those Who will readily suppose That the best work of my life is behind me, That to hire an old fart like this Really takes the piss And I’m not up to the task you have assigned me. To that I say, you could be right. My work now may be tired and trite. But hey, I’ve answered your invite. So deal with it, you’ve bought me. And I have severed all my ties With Germany, since the Führer’s rise, That grease-haired bigot I despise, So please do not deport me. They said “You don’t want to be in America ‘Cos you’ll be bored in the USA Don’t wanna be a part of it New York, New York, So pretty soon you’ll be cursin’, cursin’ USA Don’t wanna be an American idiot. But still I chose the USA Hurray!
3.
Evoke wonder in the younger generation Inspire awe in nature’s law before adolescence slams the door Make them marvel at life’s miracles Theoretical and empirical And don’t let them think for a moment anything you teach them’s gonna be a bore. As a rule, Most people, when taught algebra at school, Are told they’ll find it difficult, That their lack of understanding’s typical, And that enjoying it is über über uncool. Whereas I was told that I was on a bold Adventure to capture an elusive creature Which we called x, and the aim of the game Was to force it to reveal its secret name. Aged six, When I was always up to naughty tricks, My father, to stop my rumpus, Showed to me a compass, And that compass had me totally transfixed. I twisted and turned, and my young mind yearned To know how the needle knew which way was North Its mystical powers had me spellbound for hours And I was hooked on books on facts thenceforth Aged sixteen I was prone to daydream. I imagined I was flying alongside a light beam. And I pondered with feelings of wonderment, awe and unease Could light beams such as these Merely slow down and freeze As your own speed increases to match its velocity? Such crazy hypotheses Are quite prone to displease Even though they follow inexorably from the decrees Of Newtonian laws But could those laws have flaws? Are there any theories Whose conclusion agrees With the stacks of observable facts and with analyses Of imagined scenarios such as those Seen fleetingly as I daydream about a light beam and its possibilities? If you evoke wonder in the younger generation And inspire awe forever more before adolescence slams the door If you make them marvel at life’s miracles Theoretical and empirical And you don’t let them think for a moment anything you teach them’s gonna be a bore Then one day eventually your little baby may be able to uncover nature’s law.
4.
Dear Mr President, Lord knows I’ve never been an advocate for war But if it’s war then it’s a war like none we’ve seen before This is a threat that we simply can’t ignore And that is why I’m writing to implore you Franklin You’d better build a bomb. In papers that have been communicated to me I can see there’s a very real possibility Of setting up a nuclear chain reaction With clear applications in military action And if the Nazis got there first Then that would really be the worst In fact I’ve heard they’ve stopped exporting Uranium from Czechoslovakia, supporting My fear that they’re on to this as well In which case we can all just kiss farewell To any chance that we’ll ever win the war ‘Cos if it’s war then it’s a war like none we’ve seen before This is a threat that we simply can’t ignore And that is why I’m writing to implore you Franklin You’d better build a bomb. Yours very truly, Albert Einstein, August 2nd, 1939.
5.
BOTH: And hey so [A: I; E: you] may not be able to claim that [A: I am; E: you are] the first man that [A: you’ve; E: I’ve] married, And hey so I may love my cousin, but who doesn’t? Come [A: Elsa; E: Albert], too long we have tarried. ALBERT: You were born an Einstein, ELSA: And I shall be an Einstein again. BOTH: The curvature of space-time has altered our trajectory to bring you back to me. You put the relative in relativity… ALBERT: Quite literally.
6.
On August 6th, 1945 Slightly less than two pounds of uranium 235 Destroyed the beautiful city of Hiroshima, and left barely a man, woman or child alive. Just 3 days and 3 hours later A bomb whose explosive yield was five kilotons greater Reduced the beautiful city of Nagasaki to nothing but a big bomb crater. It started with a radioactive core above a critical mass In which a neutron headed straight for an atom, and alas, Unrepelled by the nucleus’s positive charge It split that atom into two, each one half as large, And because those atoms had neutrons to spare They sent them spinning off to collide with other atoms elsewhere. An uncontrolled nuclear chain reaction had begun, 10,000 times hotter than the surface of the sun. 200,000 souls; 200,000 souls; 200,000 souls; 200,000 souls. Within a mile-wide blast radius destruction’s absolute, The pressure-wave incinerating all the people on its route And after that initial shock the fire-storm will start And tear the flesh of untold other men and women clean apart. And those who happen to be placed a little further away Will suffer radiation sickness and be subject to decay, Mutation, cancer, cataracts, sterility and disease, Not to mention all the damage to the land and to the seas. 200,000 souls; 200,000 souls; 200,000 souls; 200,000 souls. It started with a simple equation Stating a simple relation Which has been true but hidden from view since the dawning of creation, And so I now offer confession: It was my algebraic expression Which opened the door to a new kind of war and the ultimate act of aggression The firing of a radioactive core above a critical mass In which a neutron headed straight for an atom, and alas, Unrepelled by the nucleus’s positive charge It split that atom into two, each one half as large, And because those atoms had neutrons to spare They sent them spinning off to collide with other atoms elsewhere. An uncontrolled nuclear chain reaction had begun, 10,000 times hotter than the surface of the sun.
7.
Ja you’d better come prepared This is MC Squared Here to tell you about a preposterous fact That’s gonna make you scared Ich bin the crazy-haired rapper who has dared to declare That the E is the M to the C to the square. Ja this is energy-mass equivalence There’s no ambivalence It’s an inevitable inference once you’ve cancelled out the dividends. I’ll set the world aflame with my outrageous claim: Energy and mass are one and the same. I’m gonna give reality a brand new face Gonna communicate my case, gonna prove it to be true, I’m gonna lay before you a theory of space… Und it’s about time too. Now when I say ‘E’, y’all give me east-side Copy me, that’s these three fingers held wide. Now ‘E’ stands for ‘energy’, commit this to your memory. Your left hand makes an equals sign, exactly as it’s meant to be. When I say ‘M’, keep your fingers as before But let your wrist flop, flip the tips to the floor. Now ‘M’ stands for ‘mass’, be it solid, liquid, gas Yo, break down, and let me see you give it hardcore. That was a cue for you all to do some break-dancing, ja? Nein? Oh well. Now when I say ‘C’, y’all gimme this sign ‘C’s the constant speed of light, over two nine nine Million metres every second, so the scientists have reckoned. Let’s rewind to recap how those letters combine. That’s E equals M to the C ja. Gimme E equals M to the C, let me hear ya now E equals M to the C ja. Gimme E… M… C. One more symbol, it’s incredibly simple Stick two fingers up, like peace to the people Hold it high up in the sky, make it superscripted. Why? ‘Cos that says it’s itself that the speed of light gets multiplied by. That’s E equals M to the C squared, Gimme E equals M C squared, wave those fingers at me, E equals M to the C squared. That’s E equals M C squared. For Schnitzel my nitzel. Okay, you have one more chance to do that perfectly later, so prepare yourselves. But so what if the E is M C to the peace? What species of beast is this algebraic centrepiece? What knowledge does it increase? What truths does it release? What’s the significance of equivalence? These questions I’ll appease. Matter…is frozen…energy. I’ll say that one more time: Matter…is frozen…energy. Just think about it, cos if Matter…is frozen…energy, then even the tiniest morsel of Matter’s potentially the biggest energy source that our century’s yet to see. For example, even the tiniest grain of sand Tiny enough to get lost in your hand Has enough frozen energy locked in its core To boil two billion kettles or more I’m gonna give reality a brand new face Gonna communicate my case, gonna prove it to be true, I’m gonna lay before you a theory of space… And it’s about time too. Okay now everybody this time! E equals M to the C squared That’s E equals M C squared, be prepared Gimme E equals M to the…

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The soundtrack to the hit musical comedy about the man behind the übercoolest moustache in science

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released November 14, 2013

Recorded by Alan Diamond at Nye Barn Studio in Ditchling

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