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Hot Dang! (The Mustard Song)

from Ensonglopedia of Plants by John Hinton

/

lyrics

Next please! Can I help you?
Yes please, I’d like some sausage and chips,
And please could you also provide a nice selection of dips?
I’ll have some ketchup of course, some horseradish, brown sauce.
And lots of types of mustard. Ooh, I’m lickin’ my lips.

Hot dang! I think loads
Of pungent mustard must’a blasted to the back o’ my nose!
Abort! Abort! It’s nowt a swig o’ water oughtn’t sort.
No! That’s not enough! I need a proper dousing with a hose.

What makes mustard so blasted intense?
And why do we aspire to set fire to every sense?
What chemistry unquestionably treats me so aggressively?
It’s an emergency! I need to know the science.

I’m glad you asked, cos I’m a bit of a buff
When it comes to knowing facts about that sort of stuff.
The mustard seed’s potency begins to activate
When it’s crushed, releasing molecules of glucosinolate,
Which, when they are broken, free an enzyme called myrosinase
Which is meant to prevent any animals from having a graze.
Add a bit of water and you get an oily kind of mixture
Which, if you touch it, can make your skin tingle and blister.
If you now leave this solution to sit for a bit,
It eventually enters a state where you can actually eat it.
Then you add an acid to halt the flavour’s further reduction,
And that’s your basic introduction to the stages of mustard production.

Hot dang! You know loads
About what’s getting’ funky at the back of my nose.
But I still don’t understand why people choose to ingest
A thing that the plant has evolved as a defence against pests.

I’m glad you asked, cos I have a bit of a theory
About why we eat things that make us sneezy and teary.
The nasty nasal shock we get would be worth the price
If outweighed by the benefits of taking hits from the spice.
And think about it: if those enzymes work as a defence,
They’re also going to do some damage to our pathogens.
We may have evolved a predilection for eating
Foods which give the stuff that wants to make us ill a beating.
This could explain the greater use of spices in hot regions:
The French are keener on their Dijons than are the Norwegians.
Historically, pre-fridges, meat would tend to get infested
With microbes, the effects of which the kick from spice may have arrested.

Hot dang! You’re a bit of a whizz.
Now I know why I chose to send my senses into a tizz.
Any chance of adding a dollop of mushy peas?
That’s over by the Fabaceae. Next please!

credits

from Ensonglopedia of Plants, released November 7, 2018

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