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La Fable Sur La Femme Et Le Fabaceae

from Ensonglopedia of Plants by John Hinton

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lyrics

It was getting on for late o’clock
When at the door of the castle there came a knock.
Outside stood a girl with a rain-drenched frock,
Who asked for a room, and was in for a shock.

The guest bedroom was quite the sight,
With mattresses piled to ceiling height.
The girl, though nackered, and despite
Such comfort, had a sleepless night.

The following day she was forced to concede
To her host she’d not slept, and that furthermore he might need
To check ‘neath the mattresses, where she felt she’d
Felt the presence of a single Fabaceae seed.

Fabaceae, Fabaceae,
That’s pea to the likes of you and me.
She was sure she could sense
That what gave her offence
Was a seed of the family Fabaceae.

Her host gave out a shrill “Whoopeee!”
And he jumped up into the air and he slapped his knee,
And he said, “You’re definitely the girl for me.
Underneath those mattresses, I hid a pea.

And cos you guessed what was in your bed,
It shall be you who’s the lucky girl be the girl I will wed.”
Her jaw hit the floor and her face turned red,
Not from blushing but rage, and here’s what she said:

“I didn’t come here to seek a groom,
No, all I wanted was a room,
And I think that it’s rich for you to assume
That I’d fall for you cos of some random legume.

What sort of basis is that for a match?
What makes you think that I’d take you as a catch?
What a ridiculous plan to hatch!
Keep your peas to yourself and your vegetable patch.”

Fabaceae, Fabaceae,
That’s pea to the likes of you and me.
She was sure she could sense
That what gave her offence
Was the seed of the family Fabaceae.

The man replied, “In hindsight, yes,
The plan I concocted seems strange, I must confess.
I’d read somewhere that if you’d guess
That it was a pea, then you’d be my princess.

She said, “I thought we’d turned the page
On such ridiculous ways to engage
In romance. This is a sheer outrage
Acting like that in a post-me-too age.”

Then she stormed out the door with a look so stern
That into her jilted suitor contempt did burn.
But he tried it with the next girl who turned
Up asking for a room, ‘cause some men never learn.

Fabaceae, Fabaceae,
That’s pea to the likes of you and me.
She was sure she could sense
That what gave her offence
Was the seed of the family Fabaceae.

credits

from Ensonglopedia of Plants, released November 7, 2018

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